January 23, 2025 · 5 min read
When women perform toxic masculinity
The armor is not always his. Sometimes it is the version of you that was praised for being _one of the guys_.
Toxic masculinity is not gendered in practice. Some of the most successful women I work with perform it fluently — because the world rewarded them for it, and because it kept them safe in rooms that did not want them.
It sounds like: rest is weakness, needing is embarrassing, vulnerability is bad strategy, softness gets exploited. These are not femininity taking a night off. These are the beliefs of a woman who armored up early and cannot remember when.
Recognize your own version. The critical inner voice that mocks your tears. The refusal to ask for help even when help is offered. The pride in never having needed anything.
These are not personality strengths. They are internalized rules from a system that penalized your femininity. You get to update the rules.